Ahh, the narcissist. It’s not just a character from Greek mythology – it’s also one of the most difficult personalities that you will encounter at work.
When you first meet a narcissist at work, seem like a superstar – they have great ideas, work long hours, and have high expectations. And then you get to know them and find they are all about individual glory and are willing to step on and betray those around them for the sake of advancing their own interests. Here are some of the attributes you might see:

  • An exaggerated sense of self-importance
  • A belief that they should only associate with “high-status” people like them
  • An unreasonable sense of entitlement
  • Arrogant or haughty behaviors
  • Require excessive admiration
  • Interpersonally exploitative – they take advantage of others to achieve their own needs
  • Lack empathy, completely unwilling to identify with the feelings and needs of others

So, how do you deal with them? Here are some thoughts for what to expect, and what to do, in each of the following situations: Reporting to a narcissistic boss, working with a narcissistic co-worker, and managing a narcissistic subordinate
Reporting to a narcissistic boss
When you work directly for a narcissist, you’re going to find yourself often feeling frustrated, angry, and filled with self-doubt. This personality demands an unreasonable level of perfection because they perceive themselves to be perfect and want you to be at their level. Here are some things you might experience:

  • They aren’t going to recognize that you have a life outside of work – they work long hours so YOU should work long hours.
  • You will never be thanked or receive for your efforts. Your boss will take all the glory.
  • They are not loyal to you, and will throw you under the bus in a second if it means protecting their own self-image.
  • They are only interested in hearing positive things about themselves, and are not at all open to feedback or critique.
  • Nothing you do will ever be good enough – you will never feel as though you’ve lived up to expectations.

What to do if you report to a narcissistic boss

  • Don’t take is personally. This can be incredibly difficult but once you accept that this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them, the problem becomes easier to cope with.
  • Speak selectively. If you don’t have anything good to say about them or to them, then don’t say anything. The satisfaction you would receive from it would be short-lived, and the possible repercussions for you may be immense.
  • Accept that you cannot change this person. It’s not to say that narcissists never change, but even with coaching and mentoring, it is incredibly rare.
  • Plan your exit. Sad, but true. If you can’t find a way to cope in this situation, the stress will get to the point where it begins to physical manifest itself through things like tension headaches and upset stomachs. The only solution will be to remove yourself from the situation.

Working with a narcissistic co-worker
What if you don’t report to the narcissistic, but have to work along-side them? That presents its own distinct set of challenges. Here are some things you can expect to experience:

  • When you voice concerns to them, they won’t have any real interest and likely think they are petty. If it doesn’t impact them, they won’t care.
  • They are going to make requests from you that are outrageous…and then they will be angry with you if you don’t do what they want.
  • You might find yourself trying harder and harder to gain their approval, which they will never give. If you do impress them, it may actually backfire on you – it will only make them jealous of your work and looking to take you down a peg so they can be on top.

What to do if you work with a narcissistic co-worker

  • Don’t take it personally. This is the mantra of dealing with a narcissist in any situation. Don’t blame yourself – the problem is not with you. The problem is with them.
  • Manage your expectations. If you know what you’re getting into with a co-worker, it can be much easier to de-personalize the situation. Yes, it’s always going to be about them. Yes, they are doing to ask you to do crazy things. Go into it knowing that.
  • Seek leadership support. Make sure your boss knows what’s going on – it is their job to help you deal with this situation. That also means you need to document, document, document! Make sure you are recording incident as they occur. That way, if you need to go to HR later, you have amassed documentation about what’s going on.

Managing a narcissistic subordinate
In the book Toxic Coworkers, a program director tells the story of a narcissistic subordinate who said the following to him: “In order to get ahead, I have to do two things – watch my back from those working for me and try to push you out, either by getting you promoted or fired.” This is the mindset you’re dealing with when managing a narcissist subordinate.

  • They have personality and charisma, and it’s very easy for people to be pulled into their aura. Watch for this key warning sign – they can easily use it to rally people against you.
  • They are hard workers, but they are always working with an agenda. Collaboration will not be on their list, and they are always looking for opportunities to advance.
  • They will shift loyalties as often as they change their clothes, and will have no appreciation for anyone that helps them on their journey.

What to do if you manage with a narcissistic subordinate

  • Know you will never do enough. Great managers do everything they can to enable their employees to succeed, but in the case of narcissistic subordinates, understand that you will never be able to give them enough. They will always want more. They will suck you dry. Make sure you don’t spend all of your time trying to please them to the detriment of others you may manage.
  • Document everything. It’s not uncommon for a narcissistic subordinate to be positioning for your job by getting you out. Make sure your boss knows what’s going on, that HR knows what’s going on, and that you’re documenting every incident. Of course, if your boss is also a narcissist, you may have other problems on your hands.
  • Get overt support. If you have your boss’s support, make sure your narcissist can see it. Remember, their goal is not specifically to do you harm, it’s to advance. If they see that the path to advancement is not through you because you have leadership support, they are going to look somewhere else.

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